LOG #RN-003 | PROCESS OVER OUTCOMES

Guess I left a bit of a cliffhanger there, huh? >.<

You see — I can get quite impulsive. One moment it’s all “go-go-go,” the next — reality sets in. The “me in the past” would have been all hard on myself for not doing the thing I agreed on doing. The current version, however, has finally learned to go easy on oneself and approach things with curiosity and exploration in mind.

LONG STORY SHORT

After that last entry I linked up with a friend and we drove south, eventually reaching Algarve. It’s funny because we actually didn’t spend too much time together. Soon after the surf session, we each went our own separate ways. I decided to set up one of these dating apps with hope to meet other vanlifers and before I knew it, there was a match and a message. I wasn’t exactly into her and that wasn’t the point I downloaded that app to begin with, so all good. That very evening we met up and after a few minutes of chatting I got a tip about this nearby community consisting of van-lifers and cave-people.

And of course: “Out-Of-Nowhere-James”. I can’t leave this part out. You see, as I was walking on the beach through the most intense fog I have ever experienced, an out-of-nowhere James appeared, carrying a metal basket full of rocks — sauna rocks, to be more precise. As I glanced over, he went: “Sauna, 18:30 today! See you there?” Say no more, buddy. Sauna on the beach right beside Portuguese cliffs and under the night sky? Fuck yeah, I’m sold. So I mentioned this to my “not-a-date” and we went for it, dipping into the moonlit ocean in between sauna sessions. So in the end, each of us got something out of the meetup. I got a new pin on the map and she had a spontaneous sauna sesh on the beach.

THE PIN IN THE MAP

After taking every possible wrong turn leading into yet another knee-deep mud road (fuck you, maps), I finally reached the destination. At the time I had no clue, but very soon I’d be calling this new discovery “home.”

Upon arrival I was greeted by a group of people situated around a fire, playing guitars, passing around joints, sipping wine, and sharing stories. Of course, I couldn’t see much as it was already late. The morning after, though, the paradise revealed itself: a long parking lot hosting some 40+ vans in every possible configuration imaginable, situated next to a river which flows through a beautiful sandy beach hidden in an alley between two cliffs.

“home”

THE NEW PRACTICE

I could probably write a book about how much happened during the weeks spent there (and make an extensive list of all the new drug names I learned) — from sudden appearances of dub sound systems blasting house and techno music, essentially turning the whole place into an illegal rave; epic hangover surf sessions; broken boards (and faces); mega awesome x-mas dinner curated and shared amongst some 50+ people; poking holes into my ears out of sheer boredom; to days spent in the sun doing pretty much nothing on this fluffy pink carpet Moses (yes, you read that right) would lay next to his van for everyone to share.
 The only person not welcomed to the carpet-squad was this older dude nick-named “Jesus” who’s visibly been “enlightened” by whatever the hell he takes.

Amidst all the exciting and random events taking place, deep within — tectonic plates had begun their shift, slowly gliding towards the unknown.

THE SILENT RUMBLINGS

Somewhere amidst all of the above, I noticed something unprecedented. I wasn’t doing “anything” by my usual standards, and for the first time ever — it felt okay, right, and much needed. I was allowed to “simply exist” and chill with people. Then chill alone. Go on lazy walks. Watch others catch amazing waves without the need to get in due to the fear of missing out or some other internal pressure. Or simply lay on the beach all day long and do… “nothing.”

During this time period, I could count the climbing sessions on a single hand’s fingers. And for once, it was okay. After all, my body was injured and it needed time to heal. To no surprise, any climbing I did was actually fun and enjoyable — something I had completely lost sight of and forgotten about over the years.

Which leads us to the next chapter — the key teaching…

PROCESS OVER OUTCOMES

A saying I heard countless times before and yet — there’s a huge difference between “knowing” and “understanding.” It slowly started to sink in.


Living my days slower enabled another interesting shift to take place. Embracing boredom created space for creative energy to emerge, often times with overwhelming intensity. There were days I would easily put together 3–5 track ideas. Sometimes I would finish a track in under an hour. Other times I would come up with all sorts of new ideas and concepts for photography or YouTube and end up neatly mapping it all out. And then there were days when… nothing. Nothing happened. Nothing would come out. One moment the creative energy would hug and possess me, radiating and seeping from every possible angle, the next moment it was all but gone, leaving me longing for more.


And here comes the lesson. Instead of forcing creativity by opening up Ableton and beating myself up for not feeling it — for once I simply let go and let creativity make a reappearance. I imagine creative energy acting similar to surf. There are days when nice sets of waves roll in one after another. And then there are periods when — nada, all out flat. And neither is good nor bad. It’s simply what is. One must accept it for what it is. After all — you can’t force waves to appear.

And maybe that’s the real cliffhanger — not where I went or what I did, but rather who I’m becoming when, for once, I stop being so damn hard on myself. I can still feel all of this slowly unfolding. Where it leads… that’s a story for another entry, and I guess time will tell.

Here’s me catching one | Photo: @bruno_david_photography